ready to be on my own... or not

My preceptors say I'm doing great and I'll be ready to be on my own soon. Thursday evening really put that to the test. My preceptor needed to run downstairs for 15 minutes, and I was alone with my 3 patients for a while. In that time, I gave Morphine IV push, I talked to service on my own, and I sent a patient down to X-Ray with the SWAT team. I was sweating, and nervous, and suddenly I really felt my newness, even though I tried to cover up for it.

I think I did ok, though, and it was good experience. I've never been so nervous about giving Morphine in my life, though!

I've also done a driveline dressing on my own twice, now, and I'm feeling good about that.

dreams come true

I passed. My results went up yesterday afternoon. It was an amazing feeling, to see that tiny little word: 'pass'. Tears nearly came to my eyes. Everyone was saying 'congratulations! But we knew it already'. The pressure was enormous, thank god I lived up to it.

I started signing my name with 'RN' right away. Then I stood there, grinning stupidly at it. It looks awesome. Someday soon I'll take it for granted, but I just want to sign 'RN' all over the place right now.

I just have to wait for them to post my license number on the website so that my nurse educators can give me a password to take out meds. I feel like I'll finally be a trusted and equal member of the team. I have been so lucky to find my unit, where all of the nurses are so close and comfortable with each other, where there is so much respect and teamwork amongst everyone. I never expected to have this much fun at work.

so that was that

I did it. I took the NCLEX-RN. I got the minimum number of questions, which means I either did super well or really bad. I wasn't nervous until a half hour before. Then I sat down at the desk and finished all of the introduction stuff, and it hit me. My hands started to shake and I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I kept thinking, these are the answers that really count, and freaking out.

Now I think waiting will be the hardest part. There is no peace until I know that I passed.

full of crap

Yesterday my nursing friend popped open a colace and put the liquid in my ear. One of the MA's told us it would help break up an impaction I had, which she saw with her otoscope. A few hours later, my hear was throbbing and I left for urgent care to get it irrigated out. This big scab thing came out in the basin, ew, very gross.

I had a good day with lots of laughing with my new nursing friends. I never imagined it would feel this good to be "one of them". I never imagined I would get along with so many people so well.

Tomorrow is THE BIG DAY.

not what I signed up for

I wanted an insulin drip. What happened was the insulin drip was continued and I was left with a raging penile yeast infection. So I dealt with it. The coolest part of the day was when we went to take out a patient's sutures, and they were so healed over that we had to dig into the skin and wrip them out, with blunt tweezers no less! Blood was running, we kept pouring saline over it and blotting it up. I felt so bad for the guy who was a total trooper.

Sometimes I feel so far away from my other friends now. All I want to do is talk about blood and gross infections and cool rhythm strips, and they are SO not interested. When I'm a real nurse, will I ever be able to connect with them like I used to?

when the night shift snows you

We got report today, and went to check on our patients. We found Mr. N with resps of 40, heart rate 110, fever of 102.7, sats 70% on room air, A&O x 1. We came close to calling rapid response, but we got his sats up and his resps down, notified the service, and gave a tylenol suppository for the fever. Then we felt the "rice krispies" over his anterior lung fields... that was the first time I ever felt crepitus. Cool... I mean for me, not for him.

By the time we got all that worked out, we were way behind on morning meds. We asked for some help, but we still didn't get lunch until 1:30. I got to watch a driveline dressing (next time I'll do it) and dress a stage 4. So a good learning day. I got a headache at the end though.

My nursing school friend, C, started on the floor today. She was nervous, but I gave her one of my "brain" sheets for organization and told her she'd be great. It feels strange to be ahead of her.

I took my EKG test yesterday, and passed with only two points missed. I feel pretty good about EKGs now. Two of the new nurses who are orienting in my group failed. It sucks for them, but I hate to admit that I felt even more proud of myself because they didn't pass.

Wednesday I made up for my absence on Tuesday. When I got there, I saw that I was orienting with none other than the nurse educator, the one who is strict and who I've never felt liked me (or many other people). All the other nurses kept telling me "good luck" sarcastically, with doom in their voice. I was nervous as hell, but I told myself "maybe I can impress her and win her over". And I did my damndest to do just that. By the end of the day I felt like I'd been a success. She didn't criticize me and even told me 'good job' a few times. I felt like I'd passed my NCLEX... awesome!!! I think I made a good impression on my hardest sell!

sometimes it's all I've got

I went to my third EKG class today with the chills and a sore throat. Later on, I was warm, according to nursing friends, and I debated in my mind whether to go to the floor afterwards or not. I almost went, because I wasn't feeling SO bad. But then I thought about all of the transplant patients and surgery patients, and I ended up calling and asking if I could come in tomorrow instead, if I'm afebrile. It sucks.

This whole thing takes its toll more than people think. I've given up a lot of things, temporarily, to make my career begin successfully. I sometimes wonder if it will cost me friendships that I worked hard for in the past. I hope to get back to my usual activities later in the summer, when my NCLEX is behind me and I successfully transition off of orientation. I just have to remember that I'm fighting for this like anyone else who wants to win something. I'm putting in hours of work, determination, and dedication. But I worry that in the meantime, I'm disappointing the other people in my life.