life updates

I haven't posted in a long time... mostly because I've been posting at my other blog. It was a blog about fostering and my pregnancy, but unfortunately my pregnancy came to an end after a placental abruption. I went into irreversible labor and was forced to deliver my daughter, who was not old enough to survive. I named her Avalon. My foster son was returned to his parents permanently in Mid-November, and everyone, including myself, was very happy for them.

As far as work goes, I was on my way in to work the morning I abrupted. I called literally 5 minutes before shift change, panicking as blood was gushing out of me. I've been off work since December 8th, and January 8th I go back.

My life is so different now, at least internally, that it will feel strange to go back to work. I almost wish I could start over, work somewhere new. Maybe most people would want familiarity after such a loss, but I'm feeling like I can't bear to remember how happy and pregnant I was working there before everything happened.

I had some moments as a patient I know will stay with me. There were nurses who made my day (the nurse practitioner who told me to come to triage if I was worried AT ALL, the nurse who numbed me up before inserting an 18g in my arm), and there were nurses who were major FAILS (the nurse who told me the baby would be "disposed of" when I asked what would happen to her body). The doctor who delivered me was also not impressive... when I was complete she ASKED me if I wanted to push. No, of course I didn't! She just kept saying, "you can push if you want to". And if I don't? Jeez. I needed so much more. And where was the nurse? Nowhere.

I also related very closely to those family members we always think should "withdraw" on very sick MICU patients. The patient is going to die anyway, no matter what, so we always think the choice should be simple. Just pull the damn plug already, your loved one is just going to suffer! Nothing's going to change! Well, you know what? My placenta was falling apart and my daughter was going to die, but I still didn't want to be the one who pushed her out, who ended her life with premature birth. I was in very active labor, she would come out no matter what, but I still didn't want to be the one to do it. I get that now, and I wish I didn't.